You know when you see a horror film and at some stage you’re watching and thinking “This aint that scary, I didn’t have to watch it at midday after all, with all the lights on and 5 mates around to banter with when it gets to a scary bit” and then suddenly, just as you’re playing Daddy Cool and pretending that even if Charles Manson came in wearing your mothers severed face as a big nipple, you’d laugh it off and say something like “Oh Charlie, you’re such a goof, put mums face back where you got it and come join us for a game of Cribbage”, something makes you fully follow through and your mates realise that you’re all mouth and no trousers? Well, lets just say that the other night, when the wind was howling at about 3 in the a.m and I awoke, at first reminded of the film Poltergeist but then realising that I am now some kind of solid, man farmer (not a farmer of men for my own salacious needs, I mean a farmer who is a man… whatever), It came to me that no matter how much of a REAL MAN you are, something will always make you realise inside that you’re still just a small boy who likes nothing more then a cuddle from your nan and praise for weeing by yourself in the grown ups toilet (altho, when your travelling companion hasn’t even managed that yet, at least you know you’re not alone in boy-dom). It’s windy, raining, there’s crazy noises from the giant wild boars outside, it’s completely pitch black and all of a sudden, you’re bedroom windows (well, sort of French doory windows really) BLOW OPEN with extreme force as if kicked in by a skin’ead wearing Cherry Reds. Immediately, I thought of Salems Lot, The Lost Boys, Nosferatu, Dracula and any other film containing the Prince of Darkness hovering outside some French Doors at 3 a.m whilst two pathetic Englishmen, cowering under their covers, weep silent tears and pray to the good Lord for a quick and painless end, struggling to clench their buttocks and not be the first one to release the contents of petrified bowls. I think it was me who plucked up the courage to get up, chest out and close the windoors. However, a week later, when myself and my crap filled companion awoke to the sounds of babies screaming outside our windoors, again at some witching, sataning, zombie hour, FULLY FLEDGED PANIC broke out and I don’t think I have ever been truly paralysed like I was momentarily that night. We were both monsterly petrified by what we could only imagine was the two little girls from The Shining and Sadako from The Ring, tearing their skins off of each other and smearing salt and Cider Vinegar mixed with acid and sand over their bleeding, raw bodies and blaming us for their lack of Fun Time Barbie Air Hostess Face Make-Over Free Wheeling Cindie box-sets and kiss chase ginger boy interest over the years…… Of course, it was cats, there wasn’t any other real explanation, mating cats, screaming like tortured babies, happens all the time in the concrete jungle, right? What was funny tho, is how 2 physical pin ups like ourselves (giggles at that one allowed!) could be scared of some little girls to such an extent that we put our heads under our covers (a sure sign of confusing any potential child slaughterers, I mean who could possibly murder you through a thin cotton sheet?) and wouldn’t, no matter what the cusses, get up and see what evil was going on 3 feet outside. Girls, test your guys manliness, scare the living shit out of him, literally and see whether he pushes you to the source of death or gets up, fists clench, for a fight with Satan and his hordes. Guaranteed, 90% of them will blubber out of both ends. I don’t sleep so well here… It’s our last few days at Rainbows End tho. And the last week has been probably, well no, DEFINITELY the best since we’ve been here. We’ve been joined by an American couple, Chris Bliss (I keep wanting to call him Chris Blisstofferson but its not that funny and he’d probably ‘Smoke my Ass’) and his lady friend, Marjorie, (again my childish mind wants to call her Marjorie Daws, but again, its not funny, she probably wouldn’t get it and she’d ‘Kick me to Tha Curb’ or something similarly painful sounding). They’re well funny, just like me, and kinda quirky…… And check this out. Marjorie is a poisonous spider expert!!! Literally, the exact opposite of me! She’s an expert in poisonous spiders and I’m a complete poisonous spider pussy. And Chris Blisstofferson was a fireman in Oregon (?) and also speaks fluent Chinese. I speak fluent crap and used to watch Fireman Sam. It’s so nice to be able to talk to educated people and you know, once again, the stereotype we have of Americans has been totally quashed, as always. I’ve met Americans who are cool, interesting, intelligent, the opposite of what we are ‘taught’ by the media at home. It’s wicked to be able to talk to someone about Jazz, Bukowski, The Beats, Dylan (you know I love many things American from the 50’s Beats to the 70’s Disco…. then it all went a bit Sue Ellen and I lost interest!) Really cool guys, man, it’s been a pleasure to spend time with them. It’s also thrown up discussion about whether most Wwoof-ers are decent, interesting peeps cos 100% of those we’ve met so far (all 4 of ‘em) have been totally wicked. If so, I think we’re onto a good thing, although I don’t know how many others we will come across in future farming adventures cos some places only have a couple at a time. Still, once again, my decision to undertake this ‘Grand Voyage’ does seem as if it’s being vindicated, in many different ways. It’s also given me a chance to run, something I always thought was as pointless as smearing yourself with salad cream. I actually run!! About 5k’s a day, mostly up a massive hill!! Check that. I have less body fat than an anorexic on a diet! And add to that my lifting of most things beyond my ability and I’m actually looking a bit trim, and, dare I say it, no longer completely unattractive! Rock on, my legs, for thee discarded Mr Muscle from these shores and put Jeff Capes in his place. “Tear up a Yellow Pages, Madam, of course, should I do your Thompson Directory and Kay’s catalogue at the same time? What do you mean do it wearing your stockings, I’ve bought my own, Littlewoods’ new season, lilac and brown gussets divent ya kna”! Thanks to The Dhammapada, I’m now trying to concentrate much of my mental efforts on my faults as a person, and much less on the faults of those around me. You’ll be amazed how much we think negatively of other people when they say or do things we don’t understand/know about/disagree with, etc, etc, when you really concentrate your thoughts on it. Rather than project our negativity on them, we should try to understand where it comes from within ourselves, why it’s there and how we can extinguish it. It’s hard. I always get pissed off with other people, in fact it feels like I’ve spent my life being frustrated by those around me. However, its my negative thought processes, partly installed by the society we grow up in, partly by a reluctance to face ones own shortcomings and so project them onto others, that leads to such feelings But I feel its vitally important on my quest to eradicate negativity from my life, to concentrate on the ills of oneself and not those around me (I was gonna see if anyone had any opinions/anything to add to that little blurb but I’ve realised by now that for you to read this AND use the comments page of my blog is a step too far in effort making!) Meditation also helps and another lesson I have learnt from this trip so far, is that the time you pretend you don’t have for doing things, is always there, it’s just that at the time, rather than not having the time, you just don’t want those things enough. I used to ‘want’ to meditate more at home but always thought time wasn’t there. But by going out half an our later than normal, spending less time on the internet, having one less beer, watching one crap, meaningless programme on the telly, would have given me that half hour I needed. Now I realise that. I even probably realised it then, but didn’t want it enough. But now I know I do want it enough. And that negativity that you feel when you think “I wish I could find the time to do this” can be turned into positivism by saying “I wanna do more of this thing but I don’t want it as much as I want what’s stopping me doing it”, thus being honest with yourself and therefore creating less negative energy. In a nutshell, i’m saying be happy with not doing the things you feel you want to do because you’ll do them if you want them enough and then you also wont feel bad about not doing them and also happy when you do start it. It’s a triple word score on Scrabble and you just got it for free on my crap blog. See, the 4 hours it takes to read this drivel can be rewarding after all! I’m still reading the same books too, so no book updates for those interested, I’m afraid. However, be good to get a li’l book club thing going, a kinda review style, you can let me know what you’ve liked via the COMMENTS part on my BLOG WEBSITE. That’s the COMMENTS part of my BLOG, which you’re now on. C-O-M-M-E-N-T section!!!!! Oh, about ten minutes ago I made my first ever loaf of bread, with help from See Saw Marjorie Daws, and it tastes fookin’ RUUUUUUUDE. Admittedly, very sweet as my attendant amigo on this expedition decided he wanted a sweet loaf, so there’s honey, sugar, cinnamon and maple syrup in it, but I’m telling ya, it knocks the socks of Percy Ingles! We have had a li’l break from WWOOF-ing in the last week. In order to raise some much necessary cash for herself, our host dragged me and the BFG down to this town called Agde, to help her clean an outside swimming pool. Why? I can’t be bothered to tell ya. But, this pool was BLACK! It had no cover on it over the winter months and was literally alive. In fact, I swore it burped when I first saw it. Anyway, a bit more modern day slavery ensued as me and my cohort started fishing out leaves and sundry but things took a turn for the worst as, stepping back expecting to find solid, man-made footing of stone and general solid matter, I was aggrieved to find, momentarily, NOTHING!!! and then soon after, very stagnant and filthy pool water with me in it. Amused as I wasn’t, it was only a leg and a small amount of self-respect that was damaged irreparably by the smell of rotting animals and encroaching flora. I say rotting animals because later in the day, our host decided to stick her hand down into the filter to see what was blocking the water from draining and what she pulled out was quite possibly the most disgusting piece of Zoology I’ve ever witnessed anyone pull out of a pond filter. Fair play, she’s 62 and a proper trooper. She pulled out the biggest, bloated, slimy, stiff TOAD you’ve ever seen!!!!! And fuck me if we didn’t have it in a salad later that evening with a cucumber and moth snot jus! It’s been a proper chuckle brother’s adventure. Why, today, our penultimate, the idiot I’m with has busted his ankle showing off on a ladder! Laughed? I nearly laid an egg…through me belly button! So, on we move, to pastures new and back to Bruce for new morning toilet comedy!! I do hope there’s some teats to milk at farm number two, it’s been a reet while!!