“New York, just like i pictured it…”. Or so the saying goes in the song. But it wasn’t really. Not all the time anyhoo.
Yep, you lucky li’l blighters, if you’re reading this, which obviously you are or you wouldn’t be seeing it with your massive eyes like those monkey rats that see in the dark with those eyes of size, then you have once again stumbled into the annoyance that is my Worldly mutterings of complete nonsense!
‘But Saul, its been so long since we were last captivated by reading your crap, how come?’ Yeah well, if you thought that, you got no mind reading ’bout me cos you shoulda known!!
Now a few things mighta changed since the last entry which was ONE WHOLE YEAR AGO!!! But hey, its a travel blog, not a going back home with my tail between my legs blog, ya hear?! Right, so, what’s new, huh? Well, i no longer share the whichever shores i is at with a man giant in a tin can, no siree Bob. I got me an upgrade. ‘Like trading in your old phone for one o’ them nu i-phone blueberry pads, ya mean, that everyone and their marsupial in the world has? (little mind reading devices, they are sure to lead to internal corruption)‘ Even mo’ better than that, friends. Imagine having one of them Sony Walkmans from when you were a kid and then, for your birthday, getting one with REWIND as well as fast forward!! Thats the shizzle i’m gannin on aboot. Yep, you got it, i got me a WHOA MAN. Thats right, all o’ y’all, and she aint no giant either!!
An’ that ol’ tin can we were livin’ in? Well, that aint no more for this World. We got us a bunch of strangers couches now!!! Hell yeah, forget the mirroring of outside temperatures, lack of wash facilities and constant fear of (bottom?) burglary. Now, i got even less!! I live on someone elses sofa, get up at 7.30 everyday and live in constant fear of bed bugs!!! WOOHOO!! Who said this trav’lin’ shit wasn’t exciting? Well, no one did, i’m just sayin’, s’all.
OK, so where have me and my lady been so far? Well, we camped down on a pretty shoddy air mattress in Williamsburg, NYC for starters. And man o’ man, did this whole new chapter of adventures almost never get started.
Fascists. Thats what the NYC customs dudes parents obviously were. A right bunch of massive fascists!!!
So, we rock up at Newark Airport after the equivalent of a 10 hour easy jet flight to NEW YORK via Iceland. Ok, tip one, right? If you’re flyin’ to the U.S, splash out, go Virgin, B.A, The Wright Brothers, something like that. Don’t bother looking for something cheap, seeing Iceland Air and thinking, ‘Well, their people lost all their savings in their World’s biggest ever country economic meltdown, they cant afford to breath and parents are cutting off children’s limbs to throw on the fire just so they can re-heat the seal beans they’ve got as left overs for the third straight week, BUT HEY, they still have an airline so somethings going right for ’em!! Hmm…..
So anyway, we rock up to Newark Airport, queue for 3 more hours to go through customs, approach the desk and then the fun starts. Maybe it was the hat. Maybe it was the beard. Maybe it was the fact that i was wearing 8 layers of sheepskin so my bag wouldn’t weigh down the plane and my travel funds. Hell, who knows, but one thing was for sure. Man didn’t want to let me in!!
The conversation went not too differently to this:
Fascist: “Sir, have you ever been arrested?”
Fascist: “You sure, sir?”
Me: “Yeah, i’m sure”
(fascist stares at screen for inordinately long amounts of time then back at me, sweating profusely, not through fear of not getting into the country, but cos the third layer of pants i’m wearing have heated my scrotum up to 156 degrees)
Fascist: “That’s not what it says on my screen here, sir…”
Me: “Is that right you 6-inch-nail-studded-butt-plug-wearing, old woman knicker sniffing, son of New Yorks greasiest who’ bag, now you listen here and you listen good ‘ard………” is what i was going to say. Instead, i squeeked, tears welling up, “I ha-haven’t b-been arrested, huh-huh-honestly i haven’t, not never ever. Sir. Kind Sir…”
Fascist: “I don’t mean been hauled up in court in front of the judge kinda arrested, i mean just handcuffed and taken down to the police station kind of arrested”.
Me: (thinking i must have been too pissed to forget that one but then also thinking i probably would have remembered the cop beating i woulda got…) “No, i’m sure i’ve never been arrested”.
Fascist: “Well, then, in ya come sonny boy and you sure as hell have a good time whilst your here and hey, here’s a 10 year VISA for your troubles and stay away from those Pigs now, you know what happened to ol’ Rodney”…. Or something along those lines.
And thus started the journey to the North American Countries!!
NYC i’d heard from a few people didn’t have much of a nightlife compared to London. But i guess we didn’t get much of a chance to test that theory, what with living on a budget of 16 dollars a day. It did have very expensive bread though, which, being priced at about 4 dollars a half loaf, meant that a quarter of our funds a day went on bread sandwiches! Prett boring really…
But we did get to see many other things including…
The Highline – www.thehighline.org , Brooklyn Bridge, THE best bagel store in’t World (yes, much much much better than the Brick Lane icons we all love at 4.30 on a wednesday morning), www.thebagelstoreonline.com/The_Bagel_Store.html , the owner of which couldnt be more New York if he dressed up as a yellow cab and sang New York, New York repeatedly for the rest of his life from the top of the Empire State, wearing a Gorilla mask and swatting Messrschmitts with the Statue of Liberty and thinking about Woody Allen… A LOT!!!. We checked Coney, The Village, The New York Botanical Gardens www.nybg.org , a speak easy bar that served me a cocktail tasting of green peppers www.pdtnyc.com/ and which you entered through a phone booth in a greasy hot dog shop (Big shout out to Matt Schmidt for that one), a Williamsburg loft apartment and roof garden (thanks to Thomas ‘The Byrdman of W’burg’ Byrd for that) Park Slope and most importantly, li’l Archie Abbott, a jazz man in the making if ever i saw one!!!
Me and my lady even got photo’d nuff times by peeps who clearly hadn’t seen a couple lookin’ so fresh since Micky and Mallorey, so for all those in NYC who keep seeing these hot potato’s on billboards and wondering who the feck, we’re ‘ere, in Toronto, stuck, tryin’ escape, PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!
Next time we go to The Big Apple, is gonna be Crimble, with snow and shit, hopefully in a recently acquired vehicle and we’ll party ‘ard fo’ sho’.
But after getting on a greyhound (a lifetime ambition NOT fulfilled) bus that wasnt a greyhound bus for 10 hours, which included my woman nearly punching out an old lady, we rocked up in a different country and began our adventures in earnest, something i’ll tell you about another time cos you’re probably nodding off.
Oh yeah, and in New York, they say Kebob, not Kebab. That shits fucked up…